Children and Divorce
© Susan Todd-Raque
The most frequent loss children today have to cope with is their parents getting divorced. Even when children realize their parents’ marriage are unhappy, divorce changes the child’s daily life.
I remember seeing a child who brought me a picture he drew after learning of his parent’s divorce. This drawing always lingers in my memory as about the loss a child experiences when his parents divorce. The drawing was of a home. On the left side of the home was the sun, blue sky and cheerful. On the right side was the moon, setting brightly in the night sky. Right down the middle of the house the child had drawn a thick black line, cutting the house right in half. It does not take a psychologist to interpret this child’s emotions. He felt his life was being cut in half. The sun is his mother’s maternal energy, and the moon represents his father’s masculine energy.
Every child deserves to have both parents, and needs to have both around him/her to face life successfully. Fortunately, this is a child who was able to cope well after his parents split up, because he was so in touch with his emotions. And, unlike many divorces, this child’s parents had their priorities in the right order. The parents maintained civility and cooperated as mom and dad, including understanding their child needed a professional to talk to about what was happening.
Parents who are about to go through a divorce will ask me for some suggestions. What I suggest is common sense and unselfishness. Do not put your child in the middle by asking them to be a messenger. Do not use them as a confidant. Do not begin a new relationship without giving your child time to heal from his/her parents’ breakup. And, I usually recommend the minimum of one year before you introduce any new person into their lives. When parents don’t follow this rule, inevitably the child is going to act out their anger. When the divorce process becomes bitter, spare your children the heartache from putting them “in the ring” with you. If at all possible show your child(ren) that you and your about to be ex-spouse can get along and cooperate..
Try to remember you as the parent set the model for being a mature adult, for how to have a relationship, and, if necessary, how to leave with respect for all concerned, including your child’s feelings.
