Coping With Loss
Grief is an expected and natural response to a loss. There are very few individuals who have not experienced a loss. I think most would agree that the grief associated with the loss of parent if you are a child, the loss of a child if you are a parent, or the loss of your spouse, are losses that carry what initially feels like unbearable weight to carry forward. Other common losses that grief accompanies include the loss of a pet, loss of a dream, a loved one’s serious illness, loss of a job, loss of mobility due to medical conditions, loss of financial stability and loss of a friendship.
Regardless of what the specific loss, for everyone there are many common elements of grief. In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross first introduced what became know as the five stages of grief. While Kubler-Ross initiated these stages related to an individual facing a terminal illness, mental health professionals have generalized these stages for most people who experience any significant loss. The most common stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
There is also the recognition that no two people grieve the same. How one grieves depends on one’s personality, faith and the nature of the loss. A person whose personality is more strongly driven by either optimism and/or deep faith, are likely to carry the burden of their grief a little differently than say someone whose temperament is melancholy or more pessimistic in character. Also, someone’s attachment style can affect the way one copes with grief. There are those whose attachment style increases their need for close proximity in their close relationships and then there are those who do not need close proximity but know there are people nearby to help them. Clearly, those whose attachment style needs more proximity are going to grieve differently than those who do not have that same need. Both grieve the loss but cope differently.
In my years of working with people grieving, the hardest situations arise during the Anger stage after losing someone through a perpetrator’s heinous act. It is very difficult for a loved one to block this rage before it turns to wanting revenge as the only form of justice.
This is the time for loved ones to step in and bring in a counselor to help the person move beyond their anger.
For anyone who is going through grief it is most important to acknowledge your loss. Feeling sad and crying, sometimes uncontrollably, feeling angry, or in some cases frightened, are all normal reactions. Your emotional pain will not go away quicker by ignoring your emotions, actually your grief will likely be extended. Time does help heal but time cannot be rushed.
