My Depression is Not About You
© Susan Todd-Raque
I know I have previously written about depression but most recently a dear friend of mine shared with me a letter he wrote about his depression. He describes deep clinical depression as well as anyone I have ever heard or from any description I have read. He gave me permission to publish it without using his name because we both agreed there are many people out there that would feel understood after reading his description. Here is the letter:
“I desperately want to say to friends and loved-ones that the majority of 2012 has found me consumed with a depression I never dreamed could render me unresponsive, uncommunicative and withdrawn to the extreme it has. One of the most horrible things about this dastardly disease is that it leaves one appearing to be unfriendly, detached and un-desirous of contact.
Nothing could be further from the truth because at a time when love and affection are most desperately needed, that can’t be taken in. It is horrible to know in one’s mind they are loved and cared for, and yet the heart cannot allow these sentiments in.
By the same token, I somehow know that I still love and care for those around me. The inability to show this love is heart breaking. This disease robs me of my vocabulary and prevents me from asking all the questions that enable one to know those close to me as well as those I’ve just met.
The person who was always sarcastic, spontaneous, joking and playful is gone. I only remember him and miss him beyond all measures.
I just want everyone to know its not about you, it’s not even about me; it’s about depression that has defied all forms of treatment. This may be as close as I can get to your understanding. Just know I have never willingly shut you out.
This is not a good-bye note but an attempt to explain my behavior or lack there of.”
You may find, as I have, his descriptive words are so meaningful in many ways. His ability to talk about his depression through his writing is so important as well as the fact that he wants help. He is fortunate to have family, friends and professional therapists working with him now as he slowly steps forward.
If you are someone who has had these feelings, please consider seeking someone to help you. Whether this is your minister, therapist, spouse or friend, reach out to someone.
