Want the “Perfect” Relationship?
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Discussions I often have with young couples are about how David and I reached 27 years of marriage when life and marriage are so difficult. Marriage, or any relationship for that matter, takes work. It also takes acceptance, compromise, patience, and understanding as every relationship has its good times and its not so great times.
So, let’s start with the conventional type of relationship, marriage. Getting married can be a wonderful time for a couple and an experience of mixed emotions and stress. Up until this year’s pandemic, big, expensive weddings were the trend. Retail stores, event planners, and venues ramped up the costs. From the moment a couple is engaged, there were engagement parties, bachelor weekends, bridal weekends, bridal showers, groom men’s event, rehearsal dinner, the actual wedding, reception, sometimes a post-wedding breakfast before guests depart and then, the honeymoon before the marriage begins.
And maybe, premarital or couples counseling was squeezed in. Maybe.
Why is couples counseling so important to the success of any relationship? When we are in the beginning of a relationship we try to be the person our partner would like us to be. Conversely we overlook the flaws and imperfections of the other person, with the thought “s/he will change for me” when we are more serious or married. Then there is commitment to be in the “perfect” relationship and real life begins.
Real life. Day-to-day. 24/7. The other person begins to annoy you by leaving the kitchen cabinet doors open, chewing their gum loudly, dropping their clothes and shoes wherever they take them off, getting angry over little things, never notices how dirty the bathroom is and on and on. You may discover that you two don’t really agree about politics, spirituality, what to spend money on, the division of financial responsibilities, and even, about whether or not to have children. One or both of you begin to feel not listened to and disrespected. All of a sudden that “perfect” relationship begins to make us turn away from the person we should be turning towards. Some people begin to think the other person is totally to be blamed for the unhappiness.
First of all, no one is blameless when a relationship sours. No one. Everyone shares the blame. And research shows only 10% of couples seek counseling when there are difficulties, which is very sad, considering the divorce rate in America is over 50%. Pride and shame can get in the way. Rationalization keeps people from seeking professional help to handle what they are not prepared for. Time goes on and the tension gets worse.
