How To Keep Your Child Out of the Bed
© Susan Todd-Raque
As a follow-up to last week’s column I wanted to provide some suggestions for parents on how to keep your child from sleeping in your bed. To set the record straight, life’s issues are most often resolved by following the principle of moderation. So, if your 5 year old child is afraid of thunder storms, there is everything right about your providing comfort to your child by having them cozy up to mom and dad, falling asleep, and then taken back to their own bed when the storm is over.
This scenario is quite different than when a 7, 8 or 9 year old throws a tantrum if he can’t sleep with his mom and dad every night. Why would parents allow this to occur? Some parents have said to me: “my child is afraid of zombies”, or “my child just gets scared, and he comes into the bed in the middle of the night when we are both asleep.” Regardless of the rationalizations, parents who allow their children to sleep in their beds, beyond the example I mentioned, are enabling their child’s dependency. If you are allowing your child to sleep in your bed, and you want this to stop, here are some suggestions to stop it.
The first thing that must happen is for each parent/spouse to honestly acknowledge to each other why this is happening. Instead of helping their child learn the essential life skill of self-soothing, they are inadvertently using their child to soothe their own anxieties caused by marital problems.
As for your child, if you consider this situation severe, unfortunately the cure is also severe. You and your spouse must sit down with your child, set a date, and let he/she know there are no exceptions. Anything like computers, phones, tv, or any electronic diversions must be removed from their bedroom.. You may need to lock your door. My suggestion is to start on a weekend because you won’t get much sleep. The best-case scenario may be a week or so of initial screaming and tantrums. Worst-case scenario may take several weeks and you and your spouse will question whether this is worth it. Less severe situations you still essentially follow the same plan, it will just happen much faster and with fewer tantrums.
If you are a single parent, in the majority of situations, there has been a divorce and the custodial parent is experiencing guilt. The child is understandably fearful and wants comfort. In these situations I recommend when tucking your child in for bed, you lie down with them in their bed for a while and comfort them there, then leave.
There are always exceptions and psychologists don’t always have an easy fix. But what I do know is that to ignore what you know is best for your child will only end up being worse for you and your child.
